Choices and Costs: Awakening

Posted October 14th, 2011 by Julie Carriker

“That was you…?  We could have had years already…”


Those were the words that unlocked a part of me I hadn’t consciously known, that had been lying dormant within me for a very long time.


At seventeen I put away (mostly), my most precious schoolgirl longings and faced “reality.”  I began interacting more with my peers: dated, married, had children…  I put myself on the path that led me away from that teenage girl and to my forty-fourth year.  To the casual observer my life seemed normal.  I was a wife, a mother, a teacher, a college student, a Girl Scout leader.  I was the one everyone could depend on.  I saw to everyone else’s needs and wants before my own.


But I didn’t know who “me” was anymore.  I didn’t know what whoever-that-was needed or wanted.


I hadn’t in I don’t know how long.


But those words, whispered into my mind, began to bring it all back.  I was so enamored with it all that I was heedless of any consequences.  I was more self-focused than I had been in a long time, maybe ever, so I didn’t notice the effect my metamorphosis was having on those around me.


And the words!  The words continued to flow through my fingers, scenes unfolding one after another.  I was captivated!


My husband had been emotionally distant for a long time, but I had remained steadfast.  This all changed when I found something that was MINE!  Honestly, I didn’t think he would notice, but he did, and the jealousies began.  I had supported him through everything he did, yet he was threatened by my awakening.  It drove an additional wedge between us, and was ultimately the thing that tore us apart.


In the seven and a half years since I first heard those words whispered into my ear my life has turned 180 degrees.  Ten years ago I would NEVER have imagined I would be living the life I am now, that I would have made so many drastic changes.  I do have regrets; I regret that I have hurt people I love, especially my daughters, and I regret that a thousand miles separate us.  I did what I felt I had to do though, for my self and for my sanity (although I doubt many people would classify my choices as “sane”).  I hope that one day my girls will understand, and that they are never faced with some of the decisions I have been.


The words are still here, and although they do sometimes elude me, I have faith that they WILL remain with me always.  I also have faith that SOMEHOW I will negotiate the complexities of the publishing business and find a way to share the stories that burn in me with the reading public.


Any ideas on HOW to accomplis THIS would be greatly appreciated, of course.


Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>